Well, I'm back in hall slacking my ass off the same. Hahaz... Suddenly, I recalled something during my trip to vivocity on saturday. I ate laksa at the Food Republic Foodcourt which cost $6.90! My goodness... I wasn't aware of the exhorbitant price until I paid for it and it was too late to cancel order. I thought there would be something special in the laksa but to my disappointment, it's just ordinary plain laksa. Felt so cheated, I don't think I will ever eat it again even if I'm flithy rich. Hahaz...
Anyway, I've made my mind regarding certain issues. Yeah... I've decided to quit NTU Archery. Hmm, it's due to quite a number of reasons. To say the truth, I do love the sport a lot. But going to the practices had been quite a painful experience for me because I can't seem to meet the requirements of the seniors no matter how hard I try. I know a lot of people will tell me, you just have to train harder and put in more effort, strength can be trained over time. But I can't be Hercules overnight. Okay, thats truly impossible. But I don't think I can catch up with the other people even if I'm given another 3 more months. The training times are also very demanding. 3 times per week, 9 to 5 for almost all the trainings in holidays. During the academic semester, we have to squeeze 2 practices during weekdays after lessons. It's so tiring. Plus, I'm having subcomm commitments in hall, which is enough to keep me busy. Etc, etc... ...
Haiz... It's not an easy decision for me to make. But for now, I think it's the best thing to do. I know I won't be selected for competitions and so, it's not very worthwhile to invest so much time in it. How I wish I can pursue this interest without stress.
Yeah.. The feeling of giving up something you love so much, not because you start to hate it and there is not longer love for it but because of circumstances, you have to make heartbreaking decisions. It sucks. It makes you feel so empty inside. It makes you wonder whether all the effort of fight for it is worthwhile or not. It makes you wonder whether the decisions you make at the beginning is right or not, whether it's made with sufficient rational thinking. Sigh... Sometimes, you know things might not work out as you wanted to be. But somehow you just go forward with the vision you will succeed in fulfilling what you want. They say it's Hope. But I'm starting to wonder if it's foolishness and a sheer stubborn streak.
And after such a long time of telling yourself to hold on to what you want to pursue, suddenly, you realised that it's not possible to fulfil it or at least not in the present or near future. The abortion of the plan that you have been pondering over for so long is just so tough to carry out. Yeah... It took me such a long time to realise that I need to abort it and tear myself away from the dreams that I grew in me for as long as I could remember. It hurts.
Oh well, I'm not talking about Archery alone now. Haiz... I don't want to say what exactly is the problem. Because it's repeating again and again like a spoilt video recorder. I haven't really tell anyone what's on my mind totally now because I don't think anyone really understand what's going on and I think I just lost somebody that I can confide in. Maybe it's not lost, but letting the person go and in doing so, maybe freeing me from the shackles of the past.
Hmm... I've written quite a long entry. I don't know if anyone will read every single word of this entry. It doesn't matter much to me. However, if you are reading every single word intently, I'll like to thank you for showing this much of concern to me, even though you can dismiss them as unthoughtful rantings.
I'll survive and be free. I hope after the scar is healed, everything will be back to normal. But till then, I hope you won't abandon me.
I just have to tell myself : Some "Love"s are not meant to be.
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